I’m Listening To Music

What do you do when you watch the person you love shrink continually before your eyes? How do you feel when someone who was once bursting with life and love is now withered, worn, young, but looks at least two times older, fearful, unsure, tired, sick? What do you do when there is an ongoing struggle within you; you want to give everything up, but you can’t? What of God? What of the struggle there? What of the struggle to keep believing, or just forget it altogether?

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,

And never settle for the path of least resistance.

Easier said than done. I really want to breathe, but even that is hard. I’m very uncomfortable watching her shrivel. I’m also fearful. I don’t want to be, but it’s hard. This is someone I love, for Pete’s sake!

Living might mean taking chances, but they’re worth taking,

Loving might be a mistake, but it’s worth making.

Is it? Is loving a mistake worth making? She has loved all her life. Too much, maybe. And it has cost her every time. Betrayal from family she sacrificed her life to help, abandonment from friends when the going got tough, heartbreak and the ultimate deceit from a man she dedicated her life to loving and nursing. Yet she still cared, yet her heart was still large—is still large—yet she shrunk all the more. She grew smaller and smaller in my eyes every day, and I was worried, and angry, and unsure, and tired. Why does she have to go through pain without respite? Are there really people born to suffer? Will she ever enjoy life? When? All she did was be good and caring and loving. Makes me want to be none of those things, yet I can’t help it. I learnt from the best.

Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance,

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, dance.

I wish I could dance. I want to. But I can’t seem to move. My legs are stiff, my hands are heavy, like timber. I’m becoming a statue, unfeeling. Nothing moves me anymore. I can be momentarily happy, but joy? I don’t know. She looks too small, when she should be larger than life. I remember who she used to be. I learnt many things from her, like how to be daring, and never settle for less, how to be bold, and strive for what I want, how to be hopeful, how to break down doors and pave a way for myself, how to love without conditions, how to be good to people you know and people you don’t, how to accept people; idiosyncrasies and all. She was all that and more. She was an amazon. Now, she is a shadow of herself. Gosh, she has become someone else altogether. My goodness! How did things get this bad? She shrinks every day.

I don’t want to fear the mountains. I want to dance. I want to love. I don’t want to be bitter. I want to hold on to hope and I want to believe. I just don’t know if, or when I’ll be able to do and be these things. I used to be better than this, but as I watch her shrivel away, as I watch her dry up, as I go through the turmoil of watching someone I know become someone I don’t, I know I need help. I’m losing my sense of wonder. I’m losing my spark. I’m shriveling too. I’m withering too. My heart is bending and twisting into a contorted shape. It is becoming unrecognizable. I’m becoming a shadow of myself. I’m becoming someone I don’t know.

I hope I find myself, even as I know she has lost most of herself.

 I still believe in miracles.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens.

I hope so too.

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